As a young girl, I embraced every word my father said. How could I not? He was so confident in his beliefs, so assertive of his opinions, so sure of his veracity. Every sports team, election, current event—he had the answers, and I accepted them. However, I grew to find myself more in disagreeance with my former moral authority, and that was hard to acknowledge. I felt guilt that I no longer shared his opinions dogmatically, and I didn’t know how to express my changed and differing opinions without hearing an unwarranted, one-sided tirade. In my newfound maturity, I began to accept that others have differing opinions, and it’s not okay to treat people as if their beliefs are invalid. We should engage in open debate with the impartiality that allows us to change our opinions and beliefs should we find the counterargument sound. And this change should not be seen as fickle or weak, but as a sign that someone is strong enough in character to accept when he or she is wrong.
In an effort to convince the reader of the opinion I’ve shared above, here are three ways that accepting change in others and in ourselves strengthens relationships, opens the doors to self-improvement, and creates a more peaceful society.
Accepting Change Dissolves Enmity
“A good leader can engage in a debate frankly and thoroughly, knowing that at the end he and the other side must be closer, and thus emerge stronger. You don't have that idea when you are arrogant, superficial, and uninformed.” –Nelson Mandela in an interview with Oprah
Where I come from, the demographic stands very strongly in favor of one political side. Everyone assumes that his or her neighbor agrees that one candidate is righteous, and the other side is evil by virtue of which side of the political spectrum they are on.
When my mother-in-law heard that my husband and I attended a caucus for the “opposing side,” her immediate reaction was disownment. Though she was joking about the severity that is estrangement, I do not believe her reaction was fabricated.
Reflecting on this occasion, I have wondered if she was just disappointed that her son no longer shared the ideals that she had taught him in childhood, or if she feared that he had adopted some beliefs that she views as immoral and evil simply by virtue that they belong to the other political party. I can’t help but speculate that she saw the change in her son and instantly put up a wall because his beliefs began to challenge hers. From this one incident, could she continue to trust her son’s judgement?
The damage here is that many people discredit a person’s intelligence or moral character based on a disagreeing belief—because a person does not believe the disagreed-upon belief, they assume the belief-holder cannot logically think through concepts, and thus cannot be trusted in terms of judgement. Furthermore, they assume that a person adopts all beliefs of an institution when they accept one or a few.
This also applies to when a person decides to change his or her beliefs: people close to them will often judge that he or she is feeble-minded, weak-willed, blown about by any fancy idea, and, thus, untrustworthy and should be discredited.
Unfortunately, and almost unconsciously, this creates an enmity that dissolves friendships and distances loved ones.
When we adopt the “us versus them” mentality, we throw up walls of pride that prevents us from learning to truly understand the other person. We dismiss them as stupid, wrong, immoral, or evil. Enmity spawns hate, callous competition, and in extreme cases, violence toward our fellow man.
If we can accept that most people are ultimately on the same side in this uncertain world, despite differing opinions and beliefs, even when the expressed convictions hurt our own pride, then we can learn to see people for who they are, not for who we assume them to be. This will build better relationships and a more tolerant society.
Accepting Change Reduces Dogmatism
When we develop enmity with others based on their beliefs, we sometimes adopt other beliefs of our own institutions more indiscriminately to defend ourselves against the opposing view. We begin to justify or rationalize the beliefs of our institution to eliminate any counterargument against its validity. We begin to dogmatically accept beliefs without considering their errancy.
This action of accepting all beliefs of an institution we subscribe to sets up that institution as an ultimate moral authority, disregarding the fateful fallibility of any man-made establishment. This in turn creates extremism that results in, once again, enmity toward our fellow man. This also impedes our overall growth and advancement: we get in a rut that does not allow for exploration.
To accept change is to climb out of this trench of dogmatism.
The zen monk and teacher Shunryu Suzuki bestowed wisdom upon us when he said:
“Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. Unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.”
Accepting Change Allows Growth
As this blog is titled, the word for not changing is death. But I think we begin to perish as soon as we deny the idea of changing. A scholar will inspect his or her own beliefs in scrutiny and change the very foundation of his or her character if it means changing for the better.
Though this arbitrary idea of “better” is often subjective, a person can ask a few basic questions to truly understand his or her core beliefs. Ponder a few rudimentary assertions, asking “Do I believe…,” such as, “Do I believe it’s wrong to hurt people?” “Do I believe in right versus wrong?” “Do I believe truth exists?” Change can come easily when we find that we do or do not believe in a fundamental concept from which more complex concepts grow.
And always remember: these changes must not be permanent! Experiences change our perceptions, and our understanding of the world around us will always grow with us. Accepting this will allow us to accept ourselves when we find ourselves changing. And keeping this in mind will allow us to accept change in others.
When we find ourselves looking upon others in contempt, we will often find that it is the result of a differing opinion. Whether this person has changed from believing what we believe, or we discover that this person always believed contrary to our own beliefs, we must understand that a differing opinion does not invalidate a person’s worth or intelligence; we must accept the possibility that our own beliefs could be incorrect; and we must be tolerant in our discussions with the other person. To be willing to change is to allow ourselves to build stronger relationships, an improved self, and a better world.
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